I Am Peanut Butter

I was reading a blog post from Matchstic, an Atlanta-based branding house, where there was comparison of Branding vs. Marketing. Very much a branding is this, and marketing is that composition. The dialogue brought to my mind the concept of a marriage. And that both a man and a woman are two different creatures. And that when both are truly united in communication, message and goals when there is a wonder, heart-shared marriage. This discussion is very relevant within the branding/marketing industry. But, I believe it can also provide considerations for our own personal lives and marriage.

So.... I was a single guy. Let's just say I was peanut butter. Let's even say Brand R Peanut Butter (BRPB). Here I am walking around as BRPB. Sometimes covering a slice of bread. Sometimes there is some jelly with me and that bread. Sometimes I am just good alone with the swipe of a finger inside my jar (gosh, that's a little bit of an awkward picture, but I am gonna keep it). I am okay by myself—I am freakin' BRPB. BRPB has a lot to offer other tastes and is okay as a stand alone. Now I am not the only peanut butter around. There are lots. Each looking for a slice of bread or some jelly, or saying, I like being peanut butter and don't need some other "ingredient" coming into my life to mess it up. Or whatever....

What if God has special plan for BRPB. What if He brings a wonderful piece of chocolate into my life. And by wonderful, I do me in the complementary sense (but tasty too). Well, Chocolate and I decide we work great together and want to stay together. We take the plunge and become a Rick's® Peanut Butter Cup. We have a registered trademarked marriage license. Have a wonderful new package in our rings. We taste great together and people who have experienced our taste can understand and appreciate it.

But what if within this great union I decide to become peanut butter again, or my wife decides to become chocolate. Or even just talk about peanut butter, or talk about chocolate. That wonderful matrimonial Rick's® Peanut Butter Cup can become diluted, and make others, especially our kids, confused as to what Rick's® Peanut Butter Cup really is.

Okay, so, this can illustrate how when a brand is disconnected with a marketing message there is confusion. This is why the branding must be intimate with marketing and understand and embrace the objectives and gifts each other brings—to fully convey the correct message. Otherwise the whole thing can be unclear—or even doubted.

And this shows how critical communication and vision is in a marriage. Particularly with our kids. If they are receiving an unclear, or inconsistent message that doesn't tie back into what that marriage really is it can leave them confused. They no longer will see Rick's® Peanut Butter Cup. They may just see some unrecognizable peanut butter guy walking around their home.

Perhaps I have over-killed this analysis, and rambled on quite a bit, but I believe there is some truth within a lot of these words.

Thumbing It

Before you point the finger, pull the thumb. I was in a discussion with one of the boys last night about this. As corny as this adage may be, I really like it, consider it true, and wonder how often I/we practice this.

We are bombarded with blame these days. We have a culture of blame. It is inescapable.

There's the Political:

• It's cause there's a Democratic Congress.
• There is a vast right-wing conspiracy.

The Personal:

• Its a result of my upbringing. (I believe there are consequences and results of poor parenting choices, cultural implications, and more, but sometimes this can become a crutch)

The Professional:

• I'm just doing my job.
• They have no idea what I put up with.

The Kid Favorite:

• Everybody else does.

And many more.

How often do I/we own up? I know that on many occasions I have passed some sort of judgment or evaluation quickly—then under further analysis, wonder if I've done my end of the bargain. Have I truly set someone up for success? Have I listened along the way? Have I provided feedback? Have I considered their viewpoint? Do I know the whole story? Is my opinion the result of my upbringing and culture?

I am not a big fan of the "I" word. But, when it comes to examining ourselves I'm all for it. According to the Gospel of Matthew (7:3), "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?". And there is Michael Jackson's take. "I'm starting with the man in the mirror".

Excited Right Now

My first born (#1) is approaching the end of his elementary school days and will, next August, set foot onto a bus ride to school for the first time, as well as encounter the excitement, fear and drama of middle school. The other day, I was reminded of in Matthew 7:13 which states "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction..." I shared this with #1 who promptly elicited an "OKAY, dad—I GET it". Now this is by no means a wonderful embracing of this piece of scripture. It was more like a stop nagging me about this do the right thing stuff.

For sure this guy is entering into a new life season. #1 has always been a challenger, and this new season will bring more of these challenges. To be honest, to a degree I am looking forward to these challenges (be careful what you wish for, Rick). I have put forth great efforts to form good communication between #1 and me which will allow for him (hopefully) to hear and believe me a bit.

I also believe that as Paul wrote in Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.". This encourages me. I have more than my own parenting, communication, and relationship with #1 to rely upon. God will carry out a better plan and He will do a better job nurturing, coaching, fathering, and relating than I could ever possibly do. I just need to continue to let my sons know this (see 4/13 blog, Unleashed).

Today, I am excited about #1's growing into a new season in life. I also know that my wife and I will have many hairy roads ahead. Some of which will truly test our marriage and my own faith. Today I am excited. Tomorrow may be a different story.

The Whole Truth

To tell the truth...

• Is telling a little white lie okay if it is to keep someone from pain?
• Does one little white lie make it easier do it again?
• Are we ever saying things in ways that while true, are caused (intentionally or not) to mislead?
• If Biblically speaking we are to let our yes be yes, and our no, be no, does a little white lie keep God out of the decision?
• Is there integrity in a little white lie?
  
• What about when asked "do I look fat in this?"?
• If I tell a little white lie, what does this do to my word?
• Can someone always trust me to tell the truth?
• Is not telling a little white lie deception?

I believe it was Mark Twain who said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

Unleashing

I understand that as our kids grow, the leash on our kids becomes longer and longer. I have known several Dads who have shown this as reality. And I have done some releasing of my own leash throughout my brief time as Dad. How do we know the timing of leash lengthening? Certainly the individual child plays a role here, and there are rites of passage which can drive changes in the policing of our kids' well being and decision making (The driver's license—the 18th birthday—when they get their own place). And also, there are times/stages when new and different policing takes place of an old model.

I believe we are given the duty as parents to train our children for life on their own. Life as an adult. This is where the counsel of spouses, friends and mentors can play a key role. Not only to provide us with experiential wisdom and recommendations, but also to challenge us as to what we truly believe and perceive.

These times of unleashing are sort of "Proverbs moments" in our lives. According to the current go-to-to-define-anything, Wikipedia, it states, Throughout Proverbs, wisdom is compared and contrasted with foolishness....Wisdom is held up as something worth effort to attain. As a parent—hoping to share wisdom and train/teach/manage our kids, these "Proverbs moments" are cause to examine things such as:

• Ourselves
• Our own motives
• Our kid's motives
• Our faith in God towards His protection of our kids
• Our own role as parent and situational steward
• Our trust in our child rearing and teaching to a certain age
• Our consistency of our own prayer life
• And more

I recently had a conversation with a couple of more veteran Dads. One of these guys is considering releasing the leash a little longer. It really had me examining the "what would I do" of it all. I left the conversation with a jocular gladness that I wasn't facing this other Dad's decision. But it also left me also with a glimpse into the types of decisions to come....sheesh.

A Rock and a Soft Place

Yesterday I wrote as to the pre-teen display of curt communication and lack of any desire to participate in some family chores. Well, last night I got the yin to that yang.

At bedtime, my first born and I have a ritual of reading a daily devotion (first of all, I can't believe I do that. I have never considered myself "that guy" who actually is consistent in that sort of thing, but I may be turning out to be like "him"), which is a very special time and can lead to some wonderful conversation. Last night it did. This same guy who hadn't the slightest interest or attitude to wash a family car engaged in an incredible conversation about God, Heaven, what it'll be like, what we'll be like, and the like.

Now my first born is a guy who is incredibly factual. This concept of faith, and believing what you don't see or understand is almost incomprehensible—perhaps not even almost. It was an incredible joy to me to talk with this guy about things that truly fascinated him. And he even quizzically debated these out-of-this-world things with an incredible smile on his face. Like he wanted to believe it but really couldn't. No incredible conclusions with the conversation. It was just a wonderful time of wonderment about God, who He is, what He is like, what His world is like.

I've had the discussion with friends before that being a parent may give you a peak at what it is like to be God as Father over His children (us and others). Yesterday, I wrote of how our behavior is often incredibly selfish towards an incredibly gracious God. Well, last night, I believe I got a glimpse at the joys of God and His love of His children (us and others), and the joy He has in intimate communication with us and others.

I pray that I can keep that perspective of fascination, communication and wonderment. It is very cool.

I Don't Want To

"But what if I don't want to?".

I was speaking to my two sons about how I'd like them to wash the cars and that was the response from one of them. What if I don't want to. This turned into a frankly I don't care if you want to or not, I am your father and am asking you to do this. Wow, this gets under my skin. How about a sure thing, dad. Glad to help!

As a father, this is not the desired response you'd want from one of your kids. It makes me think things like: how disrespectful; how lazy; how unhelpful. I consider myself a pretty good dad to my sons. I am not militaristic (though this little back-and-forth has me considering some sort of boot camp-type atmosphere for a while). I am not overbearing (at least not in my eyes). I have tried to instill work ethic, values and a respect for mine and my wife's positions in their lives. I wonder, is this pre-teen? Is this what I have to look forward to? Perhaps some yes, and some no. I need to continue to mold and coach these two boys...and pray.

But what about us and our Heavenly Father. How much, when asked of the Lord, do we give but what if "I" don't want to? The Bible is pretty clear as to what are some of God's desires and demands. Our Heavenly Father could easily take a militaristic approach with us (and sometimes He must REALLY want to—and sometimes He allows us to journey through our own spiritual boot camp), but more often, I believe He extends incredible amounts of grace to us. As if it wasn't enough for His Son to bear our sins and die for us, He still is so incredibly patient with us. And still gives us the option of choice. Even when it is disrespectful or wrong/bad for us.

As a dad, I need to ensure that I don't expect from my children what I don't expect from myself when it comes to the wishes and will of our respective "fathers".

Filling the White Space

In marketing we use the term white space. This is to describe the untapped area surrounding a brand, promotion, or program. We have goals to take advantage of this white space and utilize it to reach a consumer with a message. Varied vehicles are used to "fill" this space with messaging and communication tactics to create a unique touchpoint and initiate a consumer response to engage with the brand/etc. we are promoting. The key here is to utilize this space in a clear effective way and not simply to fill it.

In design we use the term white space to mean the areas which have remained free from any sort of art or communication. This actually serves as area for your eye to rest and take in what is not white space. As a designer, this is a valued area as we are often instructed by clients to fill this space with more messaging. It takes a unique client to allow for white space as designers are often asked to add more words, the dreaded "communication burst", or even to make the logo bigger (visit: http://www.underconsideration.com/MaketheLogoBigger.mp3 for some designer humor).

In both of these cases, when there is white space, we are programmed to fill it. I believe this is true with our daily lives. We seem to have lost the ability to allow for white space. We reach for our Smart Phones first thing in the morning. Or when there is a lull in the work day, we are checking in on Facebook, Twitter or some online news source. At home, the television is flipped on. We even consider commercials our own personal white space and switch to another channel to fill it—which is ironic, cause there have been a lot of folks creating and paying for these commercials to fill this space. I don't even think I can take a walk without ear buds.

So today, we struggle as to what to do with our own personal white space. And how do we fill it. Clearly there are some great uses of technology and social media outlets to gather information, connect, educate ourselves, but its almost as if our personal whites space has turned into another design term for white space—negative space. We are conditioned to fill it. But with what?

We are busy. We work. We play. We teach. We communicate. We relax. But do we seek opportunities to create white space, or do we just try to fill it. And if white space is created, what do we do with it.

Psalm 46:10 reads:

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

If this is true, I suggest that we learn how to create and use this white space to "Be still". Because if God WILL be exalted among the nations and WILL be exalted in the earth. Perhaps it is in our best interest to spend some time being still and knowing that He is God.

This is a hard one for me. I am busy, and like to be entertained. This requires discipline. I gotta work on this one. I am a white space filler.

Unrage Your Road

I was coming to a bit of a rolling stop at the end of my street this morning when I noticed a car coming down from my right. I braked and stopped. Then, he honked at me. What nerve. DUDE, I COULD TOTALLY SEE YOU, AND I WAS STOPPING. I recall when the comedian, George Carlin, would ask "Why is it that anyone who is driving slower than you is and idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?". I mean, I consider myself a pretty mellow guy, but why is it that if someone signals and doesn't turn, or turns without signaling it really irks me? Why do I/we behave this way?

Another comedian, Dana Carvey, used to play the overly prim and condescendingly needling Church Lady. The Church Lady's response to my question would be with the rhetorical question "well....could it be SATAN?". I believe so. While this sounds pretty darn harsh for my reaction to a mere horn toot, I believe it holds merit. We have come to except the permeation of original sin into our lives and culture that we either don't notice it, or excuse it. The reality is that the more we recognize this, perhaps the better chance to change our behavior.

The Apostle Paul identifies this struggle in Romans 7:18-20

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

I have always loved this verse. I have always found it confusing too. I believe it truly outlines our daily, moment-by-moment, struggle with sins. Particularly these "minor" sins which "in the grand scheme of things don't really matter". But they do.

These "minor" things that can fester, and when unidentified—or more importantly, properly sourced—can grow like a cancer in our lives. That is why we (a big me is here) must stay engaged with the Holy Spirit through prayer and supplication.

There is a great book by Jerry Bridges entitled Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate. Bridges really digs deep into the realm of what we allow to be brushed under the rug. Christians are probably the worst at this. It is very easy for us to identify the "major" sins and ignore the majorness of our moment-by-moment commenting, judging, eye rolling, road raging, self-absorbed, Pharisaical selves. And the impact this can have on others.

Jesus made this clear in Matthew 3:

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

This is why we are called to examine ourselves daily. And MUST be in constant communication with our Heavenly Father. In order to continue to grow in grace. And never stop maturing in faith. We cannot think we've arrived in Christiandom. If we think we do—look out. We are never there. At least not here.

About Face

I was thinking about the expression saving face. Don't know why. Perhaps it was staring at my 40-plus face in the mirror. While what we see in the mirror is the physical, in this expression, our faces reflect of our identities. We will want to save our face—or safeguard our identities. Or someone may be two-faced—not being true to their identity, but rather posing one identity in one situation, and an alternate identity in another.

Facebook defines itself as "a social utility that connects people with friends and others who work, study and live around them". This virtual world easily allows for multiple faces and there are no mirrors for true reflection. We can update our status or show our photo albums and be as transparent as we feel like. We can also be as untrue as we wish. I am not knocking Facebook. It just made me think of our digital society, and our social networks, and how they allow us to truly mask ourselves even further. Or allow us to express ourselves from behind the mask of the monitor.

Surely we all want to look our best and take care of ourselves and our appearance, but when it gets down to it:

• Will we be seen without our makeup?
• Are we comfortable in our own skin?
• Do we only want to be "photographed" on our good side?

The WAYGDAI Question

The schoolyard taunt. "What are YOU gonna do about it?" (WAYGDAI, pronounced wag-die). Typically strewn from a bully of sorts, or just someone of a larger scale than the comment's recipient. Perhaps there was a spilled lunch tray, chastisement in front of peers, or just a shove from an opponent on the playing field. Most likely, said recipient will either lash out and get some comeuppance, walk away and be jeered some more, or wait 'til next time, learn from it, and perhaps become a better soccer player.

Daily we are internally and externally questioned as to What we are going to do about ________?.

I heard a commercial for the National Census which made the statement something like this. Fill out your Census which will let us know your needs in order for us to help you in your area. By no means a direct quote, but it is the gist of the statement. This brought to mind the WAYGDAI of the statement. And here its twofold. WAYGDAI for me. and WAYGDAI for Uncle Sam. My family has done our civic duty and filled out the Census. No I need to entrust Uncle Sam to do his duty appropriately with that information.

This can be touchy. When it comes to Uncle Sam, we can get ourselves quite riled up. Over many situations. And on occasion I do—though am trying to train myself to cool the riling and kick up the discussion, listening, and respecting. Within these Uncle Sam-like arenas, surely there should be discussion, information gather, and voting. But when the WAYGDAI raises voices into too much argument, and wags fingers we begin to lose a great opportunity for influence, understanding and change.

I believe we have WAYGDAIs in both micro and macro ways.

A micro WAYGDAI can happen moment-by-moment to us. We may not identify them as WAYGDAIs, but they are, and need to be handled appropriately. Some micro WAYGDAIs are:

1. When a spouse said what seemed a dig
   
2. What a colleague asks you to do what might have been their job to do
3. When a blouse may be one button from the neck too low
4. When a child sasses back
5. When another project or chore is added on
6. When you want to spread the gossip
   

A macro WAYGDAI are larger scale situations where someone is being required to respond to a larger scale predicament or take action in a movement or opportunity. Some macro WAYGDAIs are:

1. What do we do about the cancer
2. Should I say something to their parents
3. Will this require heavy discipline and will I allow it and deliver it
4. What if I believe I am too young to have a baby
5. Where am I going to get another job
6. Should we make the move
7. What if they run away
8. Should we divorce
   

Consider these three macro WAYGDAIs.

• There was a woman who heard of a friend's kids battle with childhood cancer, and she WAYGDAIed herself and now has, through the Rally Foundation, gone on to raise well over 1 million dollars for childhood cancer research

• There was a man who's child had been present when there was a crime committed and was to serve some jail time. He WAYGDAIed himself and let the justice system run its course, recognizing that there were lessons to learn, and that this will have an impact on his child. He prayed and prayed through his child's was incarceration, and embraced his child with open arms upon their return.

• There was a person named Jesus who was asked by His Father to leave all of his kingly and heavenly glory, enter into our world, become one of our bodies, spend some time on our fallen planet, make both friends and enemies, be harassed, tempted, lied to, and be crucified on a cross for our sins. Jesus WAYGDAIed with this for all of his thirty-some odd years. The WAYGDAI came to full fruition on Good Friday when He was asked by His Father to complete the task he'd been sent to accomplish. He anguished with His Father about this—through bloody sweat, but concluded He'd do what His Father asked. To be beaten, bloodied, spat upon, nailed, pierced, and take on all the past, present and future sins of the world, and die.
  

What are we gonna do about it? In the micro moments and macro opportunities.

Fashion Statement

I had the honor of going to a fashion show fundraiser for Rally Foundation for Childhood Cancer Research the other night. This was quite an event. There were professional football players in attendance with one, Curtis Lofton of the Atlanta Falcons, playing host to the event.

I'd never been to a fashion show, but have paid attention to them through the likes of America's Top Model, and various other TV fluff. The event was held at Saks Fifth Avenue at Phipps Plaza in the Buckhead area of Atlanta. For those unaware, this is high-end shopping and clothing. As a guy typically fills his wardrobe from Kohl's or Target, I did my best to fit in.

The event was nice. Great food. Great company. The rows of white chairs on both sides of the runway. It was cool. They sat us along the runway. The music started and the models started there strutting. Very pretty, fit, young ladies. Just like I'd imagined. Then the music stopped and the real event began. Curtis Lofton was escorting a young cancer survivor down the runway. Here was this hulking guy with a bird-weighted young girl at his side. Doing their own strut down the runway. Two by two they were introduced. The Falcon and the pediatric cancer battler or survivor. About 15 of them. It was beautiful. The contrast was amazing. The giant, physically dominating man and the slight child. There was not a dry eye in the place. I had the opportunity to thank Jamaal Anderson of the Falcons for his participation in the event to which he replied "This is the fun part of our jobs...".

Over my left shoulder was a husband, wife and a sister of one of these brave young ladies. You could see the strength, pride and fatigue in the parents from their walk through this trial of cancer with their little girl. The sister was weeping. You could see they love their little daughter and sister immensely. I am amazed at the wisdom, maturity, strength, and faith that you see in these families. They have battled, are battling, and will continue to battle this dreadful disease—the number one disease killer of children. Not only is the disease horrible, but the side effects from treatment can be equally as formidable.

I encourage any of you who read these words to visit RallyFoundation.org to read about some of these tremendous kids and find out how you can help raise funds and awareness for childhood cancer research.